* * *

Jan. 26th, 2013 10:15 pm
taelle: (sad)
 I am ill, unhappy and woolly-brained. I need to work and I'd like to have a better-functioning immune system.

* * *

Jan. 12th, 2013 08:30 pm
taelle: (Default)
 Work time barely started after holidays, and I am already feeling tired and stressed. I don't like this. Of course, maybe it's not (just) due to work...

* * *

Apr. 13th, 2012 01:09 am
taelle: (books)
Funny thing about being ill: it drives me to rereading.

So, after a couple of days being unable to do much except dull websurfing and yesterday's random rereading of Tatyana Ustinova's romantic mysteries (random rereading involves jumping around and not reading bits you don't like much), today I went and reread Diana Wynne Jones's Witch Week. (partly inspired by reading DWJ2012 tumblr, I suppose).

Only, now I fret because apparently I lack a bunch of Chrestomanci books I wouldn't mind rereading too - did I just not buy them? I know they came out in Russian... And Russian online bookstores seem to be out of them. Maybe I should go stare at Aphrohead.

Also, House of Many Ways is out in Russian.

Also, I remembered why I was disturbed by Witch Week which was probably the first DWJ I read: Chrestomanci's initial behaviour towards the five that called them. Always seemed to me a bit unreasonable and not taking the situation in context. Though now I suppose it's just his character.

* * *

Apr. 10th, 2012 11:49 pm
taelle: (Default)
Dear world: I could really do with having _one_ health problem at a time. I'm just sayin'.


Also: am looking at someone presenting themselves as an expert in their particular hobby area when in actuality they maybe know a lot in one corner of it, but mix it up with being careless about facts - and know nothing at all in another corner of it, but still judging and trying to look all-knowing.

And thinking about how I am totally the reverse which is not always good - avoiding sounding authoritative 'cause what if I make a mistake, and being tentative even about things I know about. And also believing that other people's interests are cool and interesting and worthy, and mine are 'everybody knows that' or 'no one wants to know anyway'.

* * *

Apr. 10th, 2012 12:45 am
taelle: (Leningrad)
I have a cough. I am really tired of that damn cough.

In other news: this article about why poor people have the habits they have is fun and understandable, but. One thing threw me out of it.

This: "You're not buying the dryer because Sears is having their once a year "Get these fucking dryers out of our warehouse 50 percent off sale," but because the dryer that's been making that funny noise for a year and a half finally broke. You have to take the first one you see, at whatever price, because your wet clothes are sitting there getting moldy."

I mean, really? Someone who worries about spending 2 dollars more than necessary needs a dryer to dry their clothes? What are the clotheslines for? ... I can't figure out whether the writer actually doesn't know what he's talking about, or the US poor really have such peculiar ways of spending money.

* * *

Feb. 29th, 2012 01:59 am
taelle: (Default)
I have just two questions for the universe:

1) why is it that you hold on just fine while working, but as soon as you have a day off, headaches, colds, upset stomach, you name it, it's here?

2) why are shoes with a 3-5 cm heel so hard to find? (I have such an inconvenient style, apparently - I don't want Doc Martens or whatchamacallit, but I don't want stiletto heels, lacquer and sharp toes either)

* * *

Feb. 22nd, 2012 01:38 am
taelle: (crafty)
I don't like not having myself well in hand. Even when I have reasons like my period (I have bad ones). ... I've been tetchy, nervous and unable to concentrate all day and I do not like this at all - also, I am now behind on my work. Not that the attempts to distract myself were very productive either - for some reason I went to Wikipedia and spoiled myself for a K-drama I've been watching, and muddled up my knitting in the process. Three times. I mean, I mixed up my ribbing, and undid the wrong rows, and then started again, and I think I did it wrong _again_ and also dropped a stitch in the process. After which I realized I am just about ready to stick my needles into someone - probably myself - and put it away.

Yes, I am bad at knitting. And controlling myself. Right now I feel like I am bad at everything. *goes back to work at least some more*

* * *

Feb. 17th, 2012 08:56 pm
taelle: (crafty)
Today it got warmer a little and sun shone into my window in the afternoon. It's amazing how much better I felt. ... I made an effort and did not take a nap no matter how much I wanted to - it's time to switch to a more daytime regime.

I am sorting out my fabrics. It's amazing how much fabric I amassed for someone who sews at best for the dolls. Will I ever dare to sew for myself? I have some stuff that I'd really like to wear as clothing (temporary break of language - I don't mean I'd wear the fabric as it is). I guess once I'll finish the project of the basic wardrobe for each of my dolls, I'd have to find a courage to graduate to people-clothes. Maybe doing mock-up first, because I am really afraid to spoil the fabrics (one of the reasons I am not sewing; I am also afraid to knit stuff like sweaters, even though you can't spoil yarn, can you?).

Reading-wise, I picked up Buchan's Castle Gay again - I slowed down because I was not very interested in young protagonists, but now things are picking up; I am also in the middle of the 6th Thursday Next book - as always, I am amazed by Fforde's imagination.

* * *

Feb. 8th, 2012 05:14 pm
taelle: (cosy)
I think I have some unanswered comments. I am very sorry about this, and I'll get to answering them some time soon, I promise. (In vaguely related news, I think LJ is delaying/losing comment notification)

Also, I am tired of being unwell, except that I have yet to figure out how to get well (people possibly reading this, please don't tell me to go to a doctor. My experiences of going to non-recommended doctors while not having the precise 'here's my hurt place, please fix it' kind of thing includes advices like 'spend less time at the computer' and 'take vitamins'. I can take vitamins without queueing in clinics first, and I don't have a recommended doctor for this). ... strangely, I am well, too - the sun is shining, which always makes things better, and I have everything I need and not many troubling things ahead. (except that one thing about this unwellness is that I keep losing the small sure things to make yourself feel better, like taking baths etc. - they just don't work like they used to).

In possibly related news, I am rereading Viktor Frankl and loving it.

* * *

Jan. 30th, 2012 12:19 am
taelle: (diary)
I think I am getting older. I mean, aren't you supposed to get the after-drinking headaches the next morning, not the same evening? ... never mind, I have to get it over with, I still have work to do.

Also, I've been thinking about ways to make same-sex marriage an acceptable option in a quasi-medieval world. People keep telling me this can't be done, but I am not so sure. Some part of the... moral code? Society norms? Somehing might be tweaked to reach this result - maybe separate childbirth from marriage? But I am not sure what could give such a result (I've read fantasy with acceptable same-sex marriages but they never showed what difference between our world and the fantasy one led to this).

* * *

Jan. 28th, 2012 03:24 am
taelle: (Leningrad)
I was reading a blog of a fannish not-quite-acquaintance and, looking at the blogger herself and her commenters, realized suddenly that there's a lot of people who buy fannish stuff online on impulse and then when it comes, they're not so enthusiastic and don't know what to do with it - and still do it next time, just for the thrill of "want => have". ... now, I suspect there's people who do this not only in fandom circles and with fandom stuff, but I feel like fannish shopping is more relevant to my life (also, I don't buy stuff like clothes and makeup etc online). Especially with Takarazuka as my new hobby, as it's rather shopping-heavy. But still... this is a sin I do not commit - I am the reverse, I plan a lot, and I get my thrills by buying after a long time of planning. Double thrills: (a) I have this cool stuff, and (b) my plans were realized.

Otherwise, a slow day at home, mostly working. I am still kind of cold, and have my period, and a lot of work. And between work I am still watching the Takarazuka Anna Karenina bit by bit. I spent some time wondering why they cast such a young actress as Karenin, and then I stopped seeing her as book-Karenin and decided to view her character as a rather young man, who found himself in a high position and tries to compensate for his youth for being extra serious. ... this way it was far more sensible. Also, I enjoy a lot how they do emotional scenes through dancing, very lovely - and the race scene is a dance too. Fun; though I am not up to finishing it now, I still have half an hour of the show left.

Also, today - well, yesterday, the 27th - was 65th anniversary of the end of Blockade. I did not go to the Piskarevka memorial - I don't do it every year, and it's _cold_ - but it's not as if I can forget. Not as if anyone can forget these graves, marked with the year only. My great-great-grandfather is there somewhere... maybe. He was an old man already, so he did not survive the winter of 1941/42. And I still cry every time I read things about Blockade.

The past is still here, hidden under the present of the city.







... the first photo is very close to where I live. It was a heavily bombed area. The second is Nevsky Prospect, the main street.

* * *

Dec. 16th, 2011 11:42 pm
taelle: (rain)
It looks like my body wants to sleep at least 10 hours a day. Which is really unfortunate.

I finished watching Higashi no Eden; I rather liked it, but, I think, more for what it could be than for what it was. I think it's the first anime that I've seen that tries to talk about modern politics/society/culture in a direct way, not as an oblique commentary. But Japanese are apparently strange people. I mean, if I was given a lot of money and technical/organizational ability with an express goal of helping my country, I don't think 'launching some rockets aimed towards our cities' would have been anywhere on the list of answers (no, it's not what the protagonist does; but he doesn't find it all that shocking and surprising).

Surprisingly, I liked the heroine, for all that her main goal was to help the hero; she looked nice and confused in a realistic way. The hero... his character design was a bit too like L from Death Note. I did not appreciate that. Also, it was interesting that as a hero he did not actually have a plan, mostly reacting to events.

But the mastermind's actions and the general goings-on with the plot... I think the author decided that we were to have a plot with some chases and thrills and hadn't quite thought out how it fit with the main themes.

Oh, and Higashi no Eden is the name of the company organized by heroine and her friends, but also one of the themes - looks like everyone there is looking for a paradise, for a way to make things instantly better. And also I did not understand why the hero kept wiping out his memory (even though I initially started to watch because I got interested by the beginning with an amnesiac character).

* * *

Nov. 25th, 2011 05:08 am
taelle: (rain)
My back still kind of hurts, even after yesterday's massage; and today's running about for chores did not make it better. I rather think it's the weather - we still aren't at winter, there was some ice for a night once, but mostly it's above zero, and today also rainy.

... and of course one of my today's chores was buying a humidifier. Because my room is definitely too dry and the plants are more vulnerable to this than I am. But still, buying a humidifier in the rain is kind of funny.

I am watching another episode of Foyle's War and am not sure whether I will finish it. It's not that it's bad - it's good, and full of things I feel interesting and likeable. Maybe it's that the episodes are long, or maybe this is not unreal enough for me. I am worrying about the characters and I don't want to. ... Michael Kitchen is very good, though.
taelle: (sad)
I keep being amazed and annoyed by people who think Jane Austen (a) wrote chicklit; (b) wrote about people whose behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with how real people behave.

... but then, I've been getting more and more annoyed at people and generally misanthropic lately. To the point of having people migraines. Well, actually, stress migraines, the stress originating from having to be in contact with people for more than half an hour at the time, but ... the same thing.

Can I be a bear this winter? Also, Internet has plenty of annoying people: how do I hide from them?

* * *

Nov. 7th, 2011 12:14 am
taelle: (London)
Weird day: doing nothing in particular, still feeling tired. Though it's a nice feeling when you realize that something you plod through just for the process, not expecting any results worth announcing, does start giving at least some results...

Otherwise - spent a couple of hours playing butterfly mahjong or whatever it's called - I am a prey to simple and repetitive games. Rewatched the Dancing Heroes encore ten times, and now I have the Kiseki song stuck in my head. Started watching the BBC Twelfth Night, but though I usually like these 1980s BBC Shakespeares, this failed to grab me - Felicity Kendal as Viola kept reminding me of a type of a female clerk with difficult life popular in Soviet melodrama films. And everything felt too stodgy. So I gave up and went to see Takarazuka Twelfth Night, curious how they managed the crossdressing problem. ...For now I am satisfied with their Viola and the way she works it, Orsino is ridiculously young and cute, Sir Toby is less comic and more scheming than usual, but I like the Toby-Andrew-Maria dynamics. This is much more fun - I do believe that Twelfth Night should be a young and merry play.

I'd like less headache, still. Took out my backup glasses - maybe they will make things better? Perhaps I should go to sleep, but I'd like to write a bit today.

* * *

Nov. 1st, 2011 05:29 am
taelle: (rain)
I want to hide from the world (this, of course, is why I post in a public blog, right); no, really. I need the sense of being coccooned - like making a playhouse by putting a blanket over a table, - to pull myself together (this is, of course, where any sane person would ask me what I need to pull myself together _from_). Maybe I _am_ an hypochondriac, I dunno.

I am reading Eric Hobsbawm, which is kinda... different after some postmodernist historian stuff I've been looking at lately. But I hope I do remember stuff. I think with years I have started reading more slowly - though I always wondered whether things stay in my mind. This is one of the reasons I've always kept a diary - to prevent time from sifting through my fingers.

Halloween in Russia is taking strange forms. I am afraid that in a year or two it will be considered polite to give people best wishes for Halloween and to send postcards. Or something. There's already children's events - day events! In local cultural centres!

I started watching the Takarazuka Hamlet - and liking it more than I expected, for all its rock opera glamour (also, eternally amused by female Rosencrantz and by the gravedigger girls who look a bit like the younger version of Macbeth witches).

Still continuing my story - or trying to. Wrote an interlude before a talk which I'm not sure how to do (well, the character planning to have that talk is not sure either, but that does not matter). I am an okay writer on a phrase-and-paragraph level, but story-level... that's what happens when you stick to vignettes.

Also I should go to a dentist.
taelle: (sad)
On the plus side, the current job is much more sensible and doable, and the autumn is crisp and golden. Each day I go outside and return with some maple leaves - though today I picked them going through a park where for some reason there were only yellow ones. I like variety in my autumn bouqets.

On the minus side, a bad night's sleep, a sleepy day despite taking a nap in the afternoon, and my period started - oh joy.

Also, a week to my birthday. That's not a plus or a minus, that's just weird. I don't feel like I am approaching thirty-six. I don't know how I feel. When my mother was thirty-six, I was thirteen, and my sister, three. I'm not even sure I feel grown-up - maybe without children and a family of my own I never will. I... don't know anything, really.

And I have a headache.

I am definitely going to get some George Eliot in the library once I finish her bio. Middlemarch, probably... though it looks like most of her books have unhappy endings, and I am so not fond of those. But for some reason there are things about her life that resonate with me; mostly her writing troubles. Though it is, perhaps, ridiculous - me, planning a ficlet, thinking about her trouble with novels that are now classic.

But I have to write. And ficlet promises to be longer than intended and so, it needs planning.

I hope I'll get more sleep today than yesterday.

* * *

Oct. 9th, 2011 05:07 am
taelle: (sad)
Today my body seems to have decided that I'm having a holiday, and that's it: I got up and worked for less than an hour, and then I climbed back into bed and couldn't get out of it until maybe 4 PM.

After which my evening plans, earlier discarded because of some people being unavailable, suddenly reinstated themselves, and I went to visit some friends, mostly for Takarazuka-themed chatting and much watching of photobooks and oohing and aahing. Well, at least from my side: I firmly approach this fandom from the position of "there are no actresses I dislike, there are just actresses I don't really know". It's more fun for me that way; unfortunately that also makes me a bit tired after a contact with someone who doesn't share this approach.

That is not to say that I didn't have a nice evening; I did. (also, I finally got some DVDs that took their time in coming to me) I am just having a... seasonal increase in introvertedness? Or something. A prolonged contact with the majority of human population leaves me rather tired. Trouble is, I grew into a habit of needing that contact; ten years ago I was rather happy as a fandom lurker, with my books, my music, my fics, etc. I don't think I could return to this - looks like I grew rather too socialized, and it troubles me. I don't like to be dependent on people.

And I did write today, after missing a day. Go me! I'm not sure it will go somewhere, as it's an exploration of the motivations of a character in a long story I'm not even sure I'm writing (and which has no plot, only a group of characters and some basic events they were involved in).

No Tolstoy today, but some of the George Eliot bio. Two things strike me in what I read today (finishing the chapter on Adam Bede): the way people reacted emotionally to a novel - waiting for it excitedly, being unable to leave it, writing letters to the author... rather fannish reaction in a way. And another fandom-related thing - the way George Eliot was sensitive to criticism. It feels like a page out of a discussion on fandom criticism - "you were so harsh to so-and-so's fic, she's thinking about never writing again".

It's raining outside; I'm sorry it's a bit too cold to sleep with an open window - I like the sound of rain.
taelle: (sad)
I feel too tired to do a proper workload, and this troubles me greatly. Perhaps I should go back to taking vitamins - I can never quite believe in their effectiveness, but I must do _something_. ... but I did manage the minimum work I had to do today. Oh well.

I have this habit of making work pauses to read Internet discussions, since they're much less engrossing than any other type of break I might take (the downside is, of course, that I don't rest properly - I'm still at the computer).Today (and yesterday) I was entertaining myself with people arguing whether it was ethical and/or legal to do print-on-demand editions of fanfics. I can't quite imagine why it would be less legal than posting fanfiction online, since the fanficcer still gets no profit, but apparently a lot of people feel that an actual book done by an actual publisher makes all the difference (I suppose they feel the fanficcer in this case puts herself on an equal footing with the author of canon. Or something). Oh well, you learn something every day.

Had to mail some documents, so I walked to the 20-minutes-from-us post office, instead of the one on our street - like I started doing recently. I still marvel at how two post offices can be so different. No queues, a nice walk and  postal employees who do not feel sending mail or packages a panic-inducing task - so very refreshing. Though our post office was also surprisingly nice today - for some reason they delivered a package to our apartment instead of bringing a notice for me to go get it. I can't figure out their rules. ... also, the walk to the farther p.o. is through one of my favourite places in the city, especially now, with golden autumn practically at its best. I do love it here.

I continue reading Tolstoy for secondary characters, but I can't help wondering about Pierre. He's so childish... I had an argument with my mother today, about how peculiarly he was brought up, neither as a man of society nor as someone who'd have to work for a living. If his father planned to legitimize him and presumably have him as a heir, why did he leave Pierre so poorly socialized?

... also I suddenly thought that in a way Sonya is Fanny Price, only without a lucky ending - refusing the suitor she did not want and not getting neither the one she wanted nor any respect.


Also, I felt too tired to write but I know myself and I went and wrote a tiny sketch of a Preposterous AU Crossover (another one) - however, this one requires planning before writing anything sensible. Am I up to planning? There's a lot of writing stuff that I should be planning, from this AU to my LBB fic, but I am terribly bad at this. Oh well, guess I'll have to learn.
taelle: (tea)
I am inattentive: I did finish the first chapter of War and Peace, and many others - I just confused first chapter with first part, which I have yet to finish. And as at 16 or wherever I last read it, I still feel sorry for Vera. Oh yes, I do identify with her a bit, but still. An older daughter in a large family - probably the oldest child, as far as I can see - and an obviously unloved one, a younger - four years younger - sister preferred. It looks to me as if Vera seeks to be approved, noticed and praised for a thing she's temperamentally suited to - for being responsible, correct and polite. Which, of course, doesn't work. And she's a bit nasty to Sonya, of course, but also correct - the nice and kind Rostov family _would_ put an end to Sonya's love for Nikolai; Vera's just the only one who says so at once. (I feel sorry for Sonya too - I have this strange urge to either marry her to Denisov or to make her a Jurisfiction agent)

This, of course, is what I identify with - being a calm and reserved and quiet person with not much of a... social intuition in a family of charming and expansive and temperamental people. Also, it looks to me like Tolstoy does not trust calm and polite people. And keeps comparing women to animals. He's a great writer, but not a very pleasant person.

In other news, got back to getting massages, which I stopped when I fell ill. That was nice, though my back feels sort of surprised.  Tried to catch up with work in view of approaching deadline. Since I am not yet up to speed with work, I can't properly make plans for the weekend, which annoys me. I guess I'd better think that I'll be working till Monday - this way the only surprises I'm getting will be pleasant ones.

Wrote again, another silly drabble - crossover and possibly AU and most certainly not for posting, but yay me for writing three days straight and for not being afraid to write silly random ideas.

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taelle: (Default)
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