* * *

Oct. 18th, 2012 03:42 pm
taelle: (diary)
There are fandoms for which I'd like to maybe write but am too afraid of failing. This is actually me pondering about Yuletide and what to offer and remembering the things already written for those fandoms, and... argh. If I write for myself, I can just never show it to anyone, but to write a bland stupid nothing in a rare fandom which usually has gems for Yuletide...

* * *

Oct. 7th, 2012 09:20 pm
taelle: (diary)
The fact that I am not sure how I feel about RPS haven't much stopped me in reading it - and, apparently, it doesn't stop me from inventing/plotting it. The writing/showing to people stage is, however, more complicated...

* * *

Nov. 10th, 2011 06:20 pm
taelle: (diary)
I am totally in hate with this world. EMS is being sloooooooooooow with my package (why is it that when I'm out of the city, a package from Japan takes 6 days to come and arrives when I'm still not back, and when I'm home and waiting, it's already 8 days, 3 of which are spent on local Customs office?), I can't sleep when I have time to sleep, my E-book takes more than 24 hours to recharge... Well, you know how it goes.

Had a fic idea yesterday, though. Silly and melodramatic fixit genderbender AU, and I'm not sure I'm writing it, and even if I do, I'm not sure I'm showing it to someone, but still. It amuses me.
taelle: (sad)
On the plus side, the current job is much more sensible and doable, and the autumn is crisp and golden. Each day I go outside and return with some maple leaves - though today I picked them going through a park where for some reason there were only yellow ones. I like variety in my autumn bouqets.

On the minus side, a bad night's sleep, a sleepy day despite taking a nap in the afternoon, and my period started - oh joy.

Also, a week to my birthday. That's not a plus or a minus, that's just weird. I don't feel like I am approaching thirty-six. I don't know how I feel. When my mother was thirty-six, I was thirteen, and my sister, three. I'm not even sure I feel grown-up - maybe without children and a family of my own I never will. I... don't know anything, really.

And I have a headache.

I am definitely going to get some George Eliot in the library once I finish her bio. Middlemarch, probably... though it looks like most of her books have unhappy endings, and I am so not fond of those. But for some reason there are things about her life that resonate with me; mostly her writing troubles. Though it is, perhaps, ridiculous - me, planning a ficlet, thinking about her trouble with novels that are now classic.

But I have to write. And ficlet promises to be longer than intended and so, it needs planning.

I hope I'll get more sleep today than yesterday.
taelle: (crafty)
I finished the job.

So I spent today thinking deep and weighty thoughts. Like "I'd like to rewatch Elisabeth, but what version should I choose?" Those thoughts were so deep that in the end I watched three episodes of Britain's Best Drives while cross-stitching. Watching-wise, it was very pretty, but it got me thinking about how people's attitudes to the past are coloured by their own aging. The presenter kept thinking whether the 1950s were a happier time, and many people have said that yes, they were, but of course, everyone who remembered the fifties has their opinion coloured by personal memories of being young... Then again, can a society be considered happy, or it is always 'golden past', etc.? (once I asked my LJ flist which is fairly multinational, whether any country is currently happy/pleased with its political leadership. I think the best case for 'yes' was fairly tentative...)

Cross-stitching-wise, I am still stuck at the most boring stage of having to finish the last colour - a corner of the sky. It so much looked like it would never be filled that I started alternating: a bit of the sky, a bit of backstitch. I like backstitch.

Also, trying to bring a bit more order to my craft corner I suddenly made a skirt for one of my doll. Well, cut it out and roughly sewed together, I was too tired to deal with the sewing machine. That's for tomorrow (hopefully). I'm not much for sewing and patterns make me headachy, but the dolls do not mind and I keep hoping I'll get better.

And, of course, after an interval in writing, it's difficult to start again. I wanted to start a short fanfic based on a Takarazuka musical, a basic fix-it, but then my brain told me that I haven't dealt with _all_ characters who needed fixing. Oh right, and that included one that was arrested - rightfully. Now, how do I make his future life happier? I'll try to convince my brain to limit myself to planning the future of sweet, simple and nice characters. Maybe.

* * *

Oct. 14th, 2011 03:37 am
taelle: (books)
I am still not writing, but thinking rather a lot about writing. But I feel kind of guilty for not actually writing. I know perfectly well that I have this conviction trained into me, that time spent on planning/organizing things is time wasted, time you spent doing _nothing_ - and this ties in together rather well with my love for producing things that can be seen and touched (this is one of the reasons I like handcrafts and also, perhaps, a reason why I like writing by hand in notebooks: feels more real that way).

But you can't write a long story without planning. Or, at least, _I_ can't. I was told more than once that I should just sit down and start writing, and if I have a story to tell, it will work. It never does, until after ten or twenty or some more pages I pause and think about what's going to happen and make a list of scenes. Maybe I don't have a story to tell. (I thought about stopping trying to write, if it's always so complicated and I don't have much to tell - but I feel very much less happy when I don't write).

In other news, I bought the first issue of the new DeAgostini collection magazine - a dollhouse one. It had a set of dolls' dishes. Rather crudely made, but now my teddy bears' table is not empty (and dishes are one thing I can't quite figure how to make. The other is shoes.).

* * *

Oct. 12th, 2011 05:00 am
taelle: (rain)
A bit earlier there has been a splendid rain outside - I couldn't resist opening my window to listen, even if that required wrapping myself in a blanket. I do love rain at night... both for the sound, and for the way the city looks in the morning. Also, it's so nice to put on woollen socks at night - and wriggle my toes a bit from enjoyment of warmth (and woolliness) I really should learn knitting socks one day - not just now, though; I've yet to figure out the shawl, and the socks are a complicated thing, as far as I know.

Apparently I know too little of my main characters' past. I might just look for character questionnaires except that I'd feel too stupid filling them in. But really, I'm not even sure how they chose their career - how much of it was what they wanted and how much was 'everyone's going'. And no, that's not LBB fic. But it's another long fic - no, story, not a fic. Which needs to be written.

Watched Criminal Minds 7.01 - it was lovely like meeting old friends (in a way I watch Takarazuka shows like this, for 'old friends' whom you like just seeing onstage), and seeing the gang back together (though I'm glad Hotch shaved fairly quickly. And I can't imagine what  FBI would be doing wherever he was). JJ looks a bit older. Reid looks a bit younger - that's the effect of the haircut, I think (I like him with short hair, I rarely like men with longish hair - looks too untidy and scruffy). Also, Strauss was awesome.

* * *

Oct. 11th, 2011 04:36 am
taelle: (rain)
I am still unable to follow the normal schedule of work and rest: either I can't concentrate and am neither working nor resting, or I'm working until I am overtired and need too much rest (and my back's too bad for that kind of thing). Still, maybe the end of this job is in sight - even though I had to take a nap to be able to concentrate (I still wonder whether a nap is a good thing for me. It throws my schedule into a mess, but then it's already a mess).

Also, I took photos of my room with the aim of posting them but then couldn't find strength or time to do it today. Bad me, no biscuits. And went to the bank - in vain. Why 2/3 of bank visits end with the need to redo some paperwork?

Still, I did some writing yesterday, on my most self-indulgent and clicheed drabble series. And that after some planning work for longer fics. I don't think I'm up to planning today, though I hope to write some. Except wait, I did do some planning, just not in writing - I've been thinking about that long story I kept teasing some friends with. The trouble with it, I know how it begins but I don't know how it should end. Still, since I know that in the center is the interaction of the two main characters, and I know one of those characters fairly well (I think), perhaps I should ponder some more on the other one and then do a Bujold thing on the two of them? We'll see: the main thing is to keep the story (and not just the characters) interesting to me.

* * *

Oct. 10th, 2011 03:36 am
taelle: (diary)
So, an impromptu holiday was a good idea: I swear I did more today than on Friday, and in less time. Self, when will you learn?

And the autumn is truly golden and beautiful - and I took photos of some pretty cabbage-type things on a street flowerbed; they're unexpected but look good. Now I hope I'll find time to deal with photos - I think the mushroom-picking ones are still in my camera. Of course I might be delaying the process because I am still afraid of Photoshop (I can distinguish bad photos in need of work - now, choosing the processes for making them good is more complicated).

I think I'm pausing on Tolstoy because I was reading him too thoughtfully and got tired or frightened that I can't keep up with myself. I do tend to do that - one of the reasons I work myself into a writing block. BTW, haven't written today - but started planning and thinking about untangling that half-written LBB story. Like, almost literally untangling. Go me. Though some training-writing still needs to be happening.

Meanwhile I am reading about George Eliot - and also listening to Patrick Allitt's lectures on Victorian Britain. Fascinating, even though the lectures are a bit too surface stuff in places - then again, my knowledge on Victorian Britain is too unsystematic. But it's such an interesting time in terms of social change. Seeing the seeds of the present in the past (though the history of medicine keeps being scary despite being interesting). And with George Eliot bio I love most of all seeing the network of people working at intellectual pursuit, overlapping circles of friends and acquaintances involved in literature and science and stuff (that's why I also like Camden and the rest of the antiquarian gang - that sense of interconnectedness).

And in the kitchen my mother keeps watching Columbo. I come and go and see bits of it and it creates a curious impression of the continuing world in which Columbo moves with that simplicity of his, both artificial and real, but even his artifice looks more real than everyone else.

* * *

Oct. 7th, 2011 04:53 am
taelle: (Default)
I think I am all out of one-shot drabble ideas. Time to plan - it feels like something longer than a page needs planning. Also it feels like I forgot how to plan stories. At all. Too tired from work, I guess - and work goes too slowly because I am tired.

In an attempt to feel productive I decided to start on the shawl I long ago bookmarked for knitting. Or, well, tried to. Perhaps I am not sensible in trying this -  I am not a good knitter, and I never knitted anything by pattern before. Especially an English-language pattern. Though the problem here is not with translation as such - it's just that I suspect I was taught the basic knit and purl in a manner which is not quite the accepted one, so videos and too detailed pictures give me headaches and I can't really connect them with what I'm doing. Describing the idea of what I have to do works much better.

Anyway, I redid the very beginning two times but the sixth row still doesn't work. I figured out the idea of SSK even if I'm not yet sure I adapted it correctly, but I can't even find a description of a double YO, and what I'm doing clearly isn't working. ... I'm still doing that shawl, so there. Though I might provide all the dolls with scarves on the side just for the sake of completing something.

With Tolstoy, I am at the war already. I just remembered that we're not actually supposed to like Andrei. I think. I mean, Tolstoy tells us straight ahead that he's only nice and approachable to people who think him special and expect great things from him etc. ... I found the Bolkonsky family life rather interesting, btw - so Andrei loves his sister and his father. How nice. Me, I don't like his sister - her saintliness feels a bit too much, and I feel like she's as haughty as her father and her brother, in her own way.

... and it's funny to compare the 'war' bits to Heyer's Infamous Army - the hero was an aide-de-camp too, after all. Though less special than Andrei.

I think I started noticing how Tolstoy is doing what he's doing - seems like defamiliarization is his favourite trick: describing something with no kind of shorthand, like he - and us with him - sees an action  (he's mostly using it for actions and facial expressions, I think) for the first time ever. Possibly for the first time in history. It works - I think that's why everyone and everything is so alive, like we're really seeing everything; but at the same time I feel like it leads to a kind of estrangement, at least for me - we look at those people with such lack of familiarity that they keep being a bit alien, and there's little chance to feel sympathy with their everyday lives.

(I do read my other books too, but slowly. George Eliot's still writing Adam Bede, so I have ways to go with her bio).

* * *

Oct. 1st, 2011 12:17 am
taelle: (Default)
Some dear people have this funny habit. They'd ask me 'What are you writing?', and when I say 'RPF about this and that' they reply with 'Oh, I can't read RPF, I don't like it/can't get into it/whatever'. ... I know you don't like RPF, okay? I've known you for several years and know you're not into it, and I'm not offering, so why? Or is it a clumsy way to say 'I'm sorry I won't be reading your fic'?

And I know why it's annoying to me - I am less and less able to bear repeats, circular arguments, being told things I was already told ten times. I think I'm getting less patient with age.

Anyway, I failed Ladies Big Bang, which is bad because unfinished things/failures depress me, but on the other hand I did get motivated to write at least some stuff, I just got too busy to finish it properly (and bogged down in the structure). I still hope to rework and finish it. And now I am wondering whether to try NaNoWriMo. I have an idea which I like (and some other people like it too), but I fail at plotting novel-length things. I fail at plotting in general, but I still want to try (and I also get annoyed at being told 'oh, if you're good at character studies and bad at plotting, leave the midi and maxi length alone and just write character sketches'. Maybe it's a childish reaction, but... Yeah, and as long as I'm speaking about it, it's also very annoying when you tell someone 'I started to do X which was interesting but had to leave it' and they tell you 'Maybe it's to the best, don't you think it was really not for you?')

Wow, I was going to write about writing, and suddenly I have a lot to say about being annoyed. Anyway, I was thinking that I'll try writing something every day in October, and then we'll see how it goes towards the end of October and whether I dare to try NaNoWriMo. And whether I can make a coherent outline out of my idea. I did once write a novella-sized thingie, even if I do not dare to reread it, so...

Also, I'm going to cross-post to LJ again, in case anyone there is reading, but I swtiched LJ commenting off, because I get a lot of comment spam there and not much else, and spam for comments depresses me a lot. Much more than no comments at all. So, commenting open only on DW (which should be possible through OpenID. I think)

Need help

May. 9th, 2010 11:12 pm
taelle: (Default)
Is there anybody on my flist (both flists) who'd be able to give me advice about life in Britain in the beginning of WWII? I'm planning a story, and though I've read lots of stuff on that era, not everything is clear to me.

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taelle: (Default)
taelle

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