* * *

Nov. 18th, 2014 08:48 pm
taelle: (Default)
 I never thought I'd end up living in the time when most conversations with friends and family end up in "Is there going to be a war? Are we going to start a world war?"

* * *

Nov. 14th, 2014 06:44 pm
taelle: (Default)
 Posted a bunch of my Takarazuka fanfics from last year on AO3. Probably will post newer ones there too. As they're in Russian, there's not much  sense in it except for completeness' sake. But in a way I am trying to be unsocial in fandom - blog things no matter whether anyone is interested in reading them, write fics and not post them/not expect feedback, things like that.

(I did go to Yuletide this year, but even though I have been doing Yuletides forever, I am pretty unsocial there - I just write a fic, that's all. Well, I managed a couple of fics a couple of years)

Also, I think I've been affected by the season - I don't know the right word; I am not depressed but I kind of feel like shit, tired most of the time and not feeling much pleasure in anything in particular. Always feeling I need to catch up with something, not sure what. This is a difficult year.

* * *

Sep. 27th, 2014 08:55 pm
taelle: (diary)
Reading blogs - including blogs of people you don't know but read regularly - is a weird experience because it lets you get to know people's mental and emotional state much better than it would happen in real life. And also because it often makes me want to comment asking "But whyyyyy? Why do you think this/react like this to that?" except that this is a kind of question you don't ask someone you don't know (or, often, someone you know either).

(I never grew out of the desire to ask 'Why?' - and for things like 'why do you like the thing you like', too: I was told again and again this is not a question to ask, and it doesn't have any answer, but that just made me want to find an answer. And made me get better at self-analysis, because no one else would try and tease out why).

(By now I am fairly sure I would not really understand the answer - but it would expand my mental base of "people react like this to that - weird but true")

... about the weird things that make me want to ask 'why' - too many people around seem to believe their life has two modes, "I am totally adjusted, have good plans and follow them all the time" and "I am a hopeless failure and my life is a mess". But whyyy... or better, how?
taelle: (Default)
I am rather passionate about information and hate not knowing things.

I also mostly not ask people things - the kind of simple things that most people do ask. Even if I do want to know them (especially if I do). Like, I am the kind of friend that will not ask "Now that you failed this exam what are you planning to do?", because I figure enough people are asking you that already, and one more question might feel too aggressive/tiresome.

This, of course, reflects how _I_ usually prefer to be dealt with, and I am sort of slowly recalibrating it with people I do know, but still. Kind of weird logically.

* * *

Aug. 28th, 2014 09:11 pm
taelle: (Default)
This is not a Wednesday reading meme, because I am not sure I have been reading anything (except for stupid online discussions). When I am tired and distraught, I have trouble concentrating on reading books. Which is unproductive, because reading online discussions doesn't really calm me down and doesn't help concentrating, it just occupies my time.

I need to stop worrying about things I can't change, like my father's health and this war we are officially not having (but I almost stopped talking to Ukrainian friends online, because what can I say? "We're not all like that"? They've heard that already, and a fat lot of use that is).

I also need to stop worrying about insignificant things like fandom and the work things that are not the end of the world and are not helped by me worrying, like the state of chaos in a book I am not an editor of. But it is so tempting to worry about insignificant things, so distracting.

Maybe I need to finish a book next week. Or watch a show. Or write a story... no, I did write a story yesterday, that was not enough. Maybe more stories.

* * *

Aug. 1st, 2014 02:38 pm
taelle: (sad)
I am always wary about claiming a national identity. I never claim to be Jewish - I used to introduce myself as 'fake-Jewish', - I never felt comfortable with 'Russian' as a nationality, I feel it's more of a ... citizenship (damn, I lack words, in English nationality seems to be a bit of a different thing); then again, I am uncomfortable stating I love this country (see, saying 'this country' is considered to be an insult for too many people), it's just mine.

I was thinking about various emigration possibilities and some of them apparently involve claiming other national identities. I sort of feel it to be cheating. Not 'cheating on my country with this other one' but cheating as in stating something which is not true in order to reach my goals.

I am not sure I feel Russian, but I am not sure I am anything. Well, not on that level. I do feel loyalty and attachment to places, and to sociocultural groups (I am becoming more and more attached to identifying myself as part of intelligentsia as it is once again becoming something to deride). But nations are too big and too alien.

* * *

Nov. 4th, 2012 06:01 pm
taelle: (Default)
There are things for which no one has ever (to my memory) reproached me, but I still feel sort of constantly reproached by a small voice in my head. And one of them is, well, optimism - that is, a deep belief that sooner or later everything will be better, difficult things will be managed and so on. And this voice in my head keeps telling me that it's stupid and childish - that only a child who knows nothing and is not responsible for problems around him/her can truly believe that somehow things will turn out all right.

... some day I will have to list all the other things that voice is saying.

* * *

Oct. 26th, 2012 03:08 am
taelle: (Default)
Funny thing: I have been often told that I am standoffish and sort of scary to deal with if one does not know me very well (presumably meaning that one _does_ know me well, then it's all right). Whereas my internal conviction about myself since early adulthood (when I learned to socialize more or less) is that I am likeable enough at first contact/as a casual acquaintance while people who get into closer contact soon cool off, and mostly no one even tries.

* * *

Oct. 10th, 2012 01:26 am
taelle: (sad)
I keep thinking about why people do therapy and related stuff. Mind you, I don't know much about that - I mean, I took psychology courses since I trained as a teacher, but that's about it. And here traditionally people just did not do it, because it's like admitting you're not normal - except that this changes, but in strange ways - like I know someone who said that he wouldn't date a person who did not have therapy.

The way I see it, there can be two things that therapy is for: one, to analyze what's going on with you/why you are the way you are, and two, to help you deal with the things in life you find problematic. And I know that for myself I absolutely do not want the first - some things I know already, and some things I think are better left alone. And I am not sure that most therapy-like things are set up for the second. But probably they wouldn't be meant to - people are different enough that any repair kit should be assembled by a person concerned, from many places.

Also, I know that I react badly to probing questions/being pushed on issues I haven't thought through by myself - it feels like an assault, and I start defending myself, and end up pushing myself in quite a different corner.

(this is all brought up by various occasions that made me think about what people consider psychological problems and how they deal with it)

* * *

Aug. 12th, 2012 04:35 am
taelle: (Default)
I have this very tiresome habit in things relating to information (books, films etc.) - instead of studying what I already have, I keep searching for more. Like, why do I keep spending time searching online for source A on topic X, when sources B and C lie there unread/unwatched?

... well, of course because searching/collecting is also a hobby of mine. But still.

* * *

Aug. 7th, 2012 01:45 am
taelle: (Rylance Prospero)
The amount of things out there in the world that I want to read, watch and study brings out two types of reactions in me. Alternately. Either it's a wonder - oh wow, so much to see and learn, I'll have my life full. Or it's a fright - oh damn, so much to see and learn, when the hell am I doing this.

Today has been mostly of the first type, as I wander around YouTube poking at Shakespearean shows (this is all in the spirit of getting ready to watch The Hollow Crown. Apparently, I need to reread stuff and watch all the other interpretations first. Or something. No, I don't know when I will actually watch it. Oh, who cares)

I think Shelley, my dog, is having a good summer - well, as much as it is possible for a really old dog (16) with a permanent cough who got ready to die last year but thought better of it. She walks really slowly, and sometimes freezes in thought (one day she spent maybe half an hour staring at herself in a big mirror), but she likes taking walks (sometimes more, sometimes less - but yesterday she was inclined to spend half an hour outside, and I barely managed to convince her to go home), and has opinions - she's not going here, oh no, she's going _there_, - and pokes under bushes, and explores things.

* * *

Jul. 27th, 2012 07:10 pm
taelle: (Default)
Will I ever train myself out of being a big ball of nervers and worry after saying 'no, I can't do it' to someone's request and being convinced that this person now is disgusted with me and doesn't want anything to do with me?

* * *

Jun. 17th, 2012 01:42 am
taelle: (Default)
I wonder sometimes about what people actually mean by hysterics.

Because I associate it with a quite specific mental state of my own, when everything is too much and any interaction directed at me feels painful and intrusive and likely to make me snap; only, of course, when I feel like this and ask people around me to please leave me alone for at least half an hour or I'm going to have hysterics, they practically never do. And it's very likely because they don't quite believe me, I think - for almost everyone hysterics is something like people smashing kitchenware and screaming, not talking quietly and calmly (me, the more unwell and unhappy I am, the quieter I talk - why upset my own balance?). And smashing and screaming, of course, needs not make warnings, it is its own warning.

And yet I keep doing this, because I do not quite know what to do. Except for hiding at once, and it's not always possible (your nearest and dearest are, unfortunately, people least likely to let you hide when you need to hide).

(Yes, I feel like having hysterics right now, but I won't - I am alone in the house and can pace myself)

* * *

May. 30th, 2012 11:00 am
taelle: (Rylance Prospero)
From time to time my brain insists on having a fit of "Nobody likes me, I am as good as invisible, I am so alone woe is me" fit (with a side order of "My life is so useless") - for all that I know perfectly well that nothing changed as compared to a week ago when I was happy with my life. And no, it's not PMS. And it's really tiresome.

Also, I would like to know if it is even possible to stage a 'straight' interpretation of Shakespeare today. Without playing with costumes, hinting at today's politics and all other fun and games. Not that all this means I don't like this type of interpretation (when it's done well. As it is with everything, of course).

* * *

May. 25th, 2012 12:04 am
taelle: (siennes)
I am tired of being tired of everything. This is a feeling that only comes in short bursts, but it is hard to shake off as it is.

Also, more and more I read something, or watch something, and catch myself thinking: "Oh, that's so special. So personally important for me right now. ... guess I won't be blogging about it, then"

(one of the reasons I am writing less reviews (or non-reviews) of Takarazuka shows)

* * *

Apr. 10th, 2012 11:49 pm
taelle: (Default)
Dear world: I could really do with having _one_ health problem at a time. I'm just sayin'.


Also: am looking at someone presenting themselves as an expert in their particular hobby area when in actuality they maybe know a lot in one corner of it, but mix it up with being careless about facts - and know nothing at all in another corner of it, but still judging and trying to look all-knowing.

And thinking about how I am totally the reverse which is not always good - avoiding sounding authoritative 'cause what if I make a mistake, and being tentative even about things I know about. And also believing that other people's interests are cool and interesting and worthy, and mine are 'everybody knows that' or 'no one wants to know anyway'.

* * *

Apr. 9th, 2012 04:14 am
taelle: (Default)
As long as I am in an introspective mood: there's also this thing that puzzles me about people's behaviour. Apparently, when you have a problem and it causes you worry and fear, it's very useless and tiresome to mention it to people close to you, because to majority of people worry and fear about the problem equals inability to deal with this problem. So no one is just going to hold your hand and distract you or whatever - they'll just start telling you what you should do with your problem (alternately, they would worry and fear even more than you do and thus it would become your lot to console them and calm them down, 'cause other people's fear is v. tiresome).

* * *

Apr. 8th, 2012 06:43 pm
taelle: (Default)
I think I am, like, on the other side of everything. I am reading a discussion on how it is so bad to oppress children and not let them be themselves - and thinking about how such discussions usually have only one image of 'being themselves', and I never fit that. I don't fit the 'creative enlightened woman' image any more than I fit the glamour magazines' image of a woman.

I remember having drawing/painting lessons at 7, to help my creativity. I remember being tired and unsatisfied and unable to explain, and it's only much later that I realized - my teacher and my parents wanted me to be bold and free, to be creative, to paint freely on the whole paper in bright colours. Me, I couldn't explain that I wanted to be shown techniques and methods to portray the reality in recognizable ways. The bit I liked best in all these lessons was when I was shown how by turning the direction of brushstroke I could show how the tablecloth goes over the edge of the table.

I am not creative. I am neat. I like doing things just so. I like nice clothes and can wear them for a long time. I never needed FlyLady etc, 'cause I figured it out on my own long ago. I have a good memory for dates and numbers and names.

... I am, in fact, struggling with the desire to delete this post because it has no use.

* * *

Mar. 30th, 2012 07:03 pm
taelle: (Default)
It's really tiresome how compliments and praise have a detrimental effect on me. Like, if I am praised for something, it automatically means that everyone automatically expects me to never ever fail in this area again. So I start being kind of afraid to do this kind of thing because I am not allowed to fail, am I?

* * *

Feb. 14th, 2012 10:40 pm
taelle: (siennes)
I keep thinking about my attitude to blogging. Thing is, diary keeping is a habit of mine, but blogging - a public exercise by its nature - sometimes makes me worry that I am doing something merely to blog about it; or that I only ponder on things to blog about it. Does a thought exist if you do not declare it to everyone around? I mean, I do love sharing things and I come by this honestly - my father is always prone to grabbing people and giving them lectures about whatever interests him now (like all my friends by now know more than they ever wanted to know about Takarazuka), but... I still feel uncomfortable and at these times I count it as an achievement if I have done things I haven't blogged about.

Back to Takarazuka, today was the big news day - the announcement of the new top stars of Moon Troupe, long delayed: and I swear that since the first show with new tops will be Romeo and Juliette, they were waiting for Valentine's day! Of the news themselves... I'm not sure what I think - they are promoting people too young, and they're playing some complicated games with the internal hierarchy. I am worried, curious and impatient to know how this new arrangement will work.

Oh, and I finally got my prize from Ahmad  Tea company - a lovely green teapot, totally worthy of having to endure our post office (queues. Headache-inducing and dizzying queues. I do so hate queueing).

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